My grandfather was a tall man. Not as tall as a professional basketball player, but he towered above the other members of the family and especially the farm animals. His stentorian voice brought respect from all the field hands, although he could be as gentle as a summer breeze with the ponies and calves. His sunburned face reflected the length of the day. The old straw hat protected his head from the burning sun, and yet it enhanced his piercing blue eyes. His bib overalls were thread-bare from constant wear. Nicknamed “Old John”, he was always the first one to arise so he could “smell Mother Earth before she woke up”. Every morning he’d head to the barn to begin the unending chores. He loved that old barn, and even though it was his haven in times of trouble and times of joy, a place to which he could escape, it was in that barn that Grandpa shot himself. I never knew my grandfather. The news of his suicide shocked my mother into premature labor with me. The only memory I have of him is a framed black and white photo where he’s standing next to that old barn holding my mother’s hand when she was a small child.
The World of “What If?”
Why was life so unbearable for Grandpa? When did he decide he couldn’t take it anymore? Was there no one he could turn to for help? Had he thought about that tiny unborn grandchild he would never see? Did he know that I would feel robbed of the opportunity to know him? Did he even consider the impact his death would have on my mother? Didn’t he realize that my birthday would forever remind my mother of his death? Suicide leaves a trail of unanswered questions. The word implies rejection. Suicide rejects family, friends, and any chance of a future. It’s usually a cry for help or a means of escape. But sometimes it takes great strength to survive, to live on through the depression and pain. It’s just not that simple anymore. If there’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, suicidal tendencies occur. Although doctors have discovered how to control the imbalance with medication, the problems continue if the person feels he cannot confide in the doctor to get help. That’s when suicide looks like the perfect choice, the only alternative to life’s trials and tribulations. Death appears to be the ideal solution to a troubled soul. Unfortunately, no one who has ever committed suicide has returned to the world to enlighten us on the pros and cons of being dead. We can only assume they are at peace. Families experience guilt and blame over a suicide victim. It’s so unfair to place that burden on the living because they have chosen to endure life’s trials. Death is not an option for them. Life is a gift, one that needs to be carefully unwrapped and shared daily for the benefit of others.
snapshotsincursive 
Thank you for writing this beautiful yet sad personal story. I have experience suicide in my family as well. As yes, for whatever reason their pain is too much to carry. From what I have read, most who commit suicide feel at peace with their choice or at least feel it’s their only option.
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I believe more people are affected than we realize. Many families can’t talk about it. We must rely on Hope and Peace. Hope that we will be reunited in the future and Peace for all touched by death.
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